Pleasantly selfish...

It's funny, I wrote this blog entry nearly exactly one year ago today. Well, 11 days difference.

And have been thinking about it recently...what I wrote on where I was one year ago. Well more of a reflection back on what I said and how God has really done a number on me since then. A topic of very interesting conversation. I still very much believe what I typed about and I think I understood the concept of the entry back then, but now I think I may be getting it.

The reason I say this is because of a number of "things" that have been happening in my life. I find these things that are happening in my life are great things, amazing things, dreams coming true, pieces falling into place, just a lot of really cool things happening...that I like, that I want.

Sounds good right?

Which brings me to the title of this entry.

But for whatever reason, I hope I'm not alone in this, it has been kind of ingrained in my head that things I like, want, yearn, desire, enjoy are clearly not what God wants. So you feel wrong, selfish, to want these things. To think that something, a broken sinful (saved by Grace) human being can have the same desires as the perfect God is borderline ridiculous. Then the idea is placed on my heart that, "Hey, I want this for you and for Me."

Whoa. That's crazy talk.

Same quote from old post, looked at with new eyes.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

New quote looked at with excited eyes...

You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips. Psalm 21:2

So for now, I can smile and laugh and say that I am pleasantly selfish.

Faith...trust, you better take a back seat for a while.

So faith...we all have it, both in the religious sense and non-religious.

We have faith that the sun will rise in the morning.
Faith that our lungs will work with the next breathe we take.
Faith that our car will start in the morning.
Faith that when we flip that light switch, that light will shine.
Faith that when we swipe that credit card, there will be money.
Faith that when we hurt, friends and family will be there for us.
The list continues on...

We all have faith. We put it in everything...no problem with that at all. I have faith that this computer will not crash as I type this.

We obviously have different "levels" of faith with where/what we place it in.

I know, its all obvious so far, hang with me...this is something I have been wrestling with for a while.

The faith that is in that light switch looks a lot different then that of your support from your family and friends. Faith I have for my friends may look different then the faith you have for your friends. And so on.

Then slips in the pesky word 'trust'.

I was going to slap in the stereotypical definition of trust, but after discovering there are 24 different definitions* I will assume you can either look it up or you know what it means.

So trust in something or someone...

We trust the sun will rise in the morning, unless I don't wake.
We trust that our lungs will work with the next breathe we take, unless they fail.
We trust that our car will start in the morning, unless it's a piece of garbage.
We trust that when we flip that light switch, that light will shine, unless we haven't paid our bill or the bulb burns out.
We trust that when we swipe that credit card, there will be money, unless there isn't.
We trust that when we hurt, friends and family will be there for us, unless they aren't or were never there to begin with.

I think you may understand what I am getting at. I have faith in things, a lot of things...trust would be that next step of commitment, next step saying, "You know what, that will happen, I can guarantee that." There is that level of insecurity that we feel in a lot of things in life and even when we trust things, they still can let us down in life.

Now I am going to talk about our Maker.

Many have faith in God. I do, I know a few people that do too, like 7...I kid, its like 16. It's that darn trust thing I have wrestled with for the longest time. I mean I gave it mouth service for the longest time but until recently did I realize that I did not fully trust God.

More specifically, trust that God would move. I would pray prayers for friends, family, loved ones, countries, leaders, events, etc but just left it at that. I knew the prayers would go up to Him but I just left it at that. Thought nothing of it really.

So I would, in a sense, have more trust that my car would start in the morning then the Mighty Lord doing what one of His followers asks Him (Psalm 17:6 to list one of many verses).

But for whatever reason I believed (and still wrestle with on occasion) that He would even do it. There is all that talk if it's His Will and if He wants it...but I'm not praying 'God I want a Xbox 360' or anything like that...not that that's a wrong prayer. My prayers would for His Will be done and prayer according what laid on my heart. God's heart...

Someone is sick...that they be well and if not, that they know God before they pass.
Someone who has had someone die....that they lean on Him and His understanding during this time.
Someone is lost...that they fall in the arms of the One who loves them the most and find their identity in Him.
Someone who is hardened...that they be broken and find Joy and Life in their Father.

These were/are my prayers but I didn't expect the freaking Maker (first time I think I put freaking before God's name...sorry God) of the universe would answer my prayers. If He did, great! But I didn't expect Him too.

Why not? Why don't I trust? Why don't we trust?

Well it could be a laundry list of things... Insecurities, no expectations, no hope, no answers before, hardened heart, stubbornness...I know I can put that list behind my name.

I guess what I am saying is:

Trust in our Maker when you pray/talk/confide/cry/search/long for Him. He will answer, He will move.

After talking to a friend about this, he asked don't faith and trust go hand and hand? They do, I just believe we put trust in the back seat and rely only on faith. Faith is needed, but trust is required.

Now that was a rant.

Praise God for my newly found and define trust in Him. Know that I am praying for you all out there. If you ever want/need a prayer...shoot me a message. Myself and a group of friends of mine (and those who taught me to be in NZ) are prayer warriors. Will will talk to God for you if you would like.

They were helped in fighting them, and God handed the Hagrites and all their allies over to them, because they cried out to him during the battle. He answered their prayers, because they trusted in him.
1 Chronicles 5:20


*quick note about the definition of 'trust' when I looked up that I thought was cool...a couple definitions really stuck out that were encouraging coming from dictionary.com:

2. confident expectation of something; hope. - Hope, being probably one of my favorite words that just screams God and my life to me.

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust. - pretty much sums up that last rant huh?

I’m a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I have Holy Spirit power.

I’ve stepped over the line.

The decision has been made.

I’m a disciple of His.

I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.

I’m finished and done with low living, sidewalking, small-planning, smooth-knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, worldly-talking, cheap-giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, position, promotion, applause or popularity.
I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded.

I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience.

I’m uplifted by prayer, and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my God reliable.

My mission is clear.

I cannot be bumped, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of my adversaries, negotiate at the table of my enemy or ponder at the pool of popularity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up until I’ve stayed up, stored up, prayed up, preached up for the cause of Christ

I am a DISCIPLE OF JESUS.

(Worth Dying For - Infiltrate)

reminiscing about new zealand

Well I was over in New Zealand for roughly 3 weeks recently. For those who don't know why I was over there, in short, I took part in teaching youth how to make movies using their stories. This was a missions trip for a non-profit organization called Inside|Out. And while we taught them how to make movies, we also proclaimed the Word of Christ.

So I knew this was going to be good and was pretty amped for it. I talked with Beth, the person in charge, for something like a month and I was sold and had tickets ready to go. God showed me the road, said 'Go', and I ran.

But like I said in my last post, after returning from Romania, it wasn't that I wasn't expecting God to move in New Zealand but I didn't want to anticipate anything.

Maybe I should of looked at the dotted line I signed with God for this trip, for some sort of stipulation saying that I was going to get "messed up" on this one.

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New Zealand is a beautiful place. I see the crashing coast line, rolling green hills, and under water majesty and I left thinking, "Wow, God, this is amazing."

But still, the same in Romania, it's the people where I truly see God. The kids in Romania who's faces and stories will always be printed on my heart and mind. They blessed me more then I could ever ask for.

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So then I entered into my time there, knowing that New Zealand is absolutely beautiful and knowing that I was going to meet a lot of people, varying ages, varying stories, varying walks in lives, varying places with God.

This is obvious though right when you 1) Go on a missions trip and 2) Go to another country?

What I found, or I should say, revealed to is just one reason I am typing this blog now (1:36 AM), because it has waited much too long.

I briefly spoke of this while I was there to the group and I wanted to do it again, as I continue to reminisce about New Zealand.

Thank you.

All of you that I met there, don't even think for a second too that I am not talking to you students too. The way God used you in my situation when I arrived, the time I spent in fellowship with you all there, and now is/was nothing short of His perfect timing....

You all showed me 'church' as God had intended, at Jesus's heart.

Taking risks, taking steps toward something Bigger.

People coming together regardless of denomination for one purpose....Him....reaching the unreached.

Giving up valuable time.

Finishing strong though sickness and fatigue.

Prayer warriors that trust that He will answer and continue to pray for me.

Staying up all night and sometimes day.

Accountability partners: watching, asking, prying, listening, praying fervently.

Serving without any remorse.

Planning for what's next while praising God for what He continues to do with the past.

'Real' Christians...willing to laugh, have a good time, tell it how it is, live life together.

Opening up at times, making yourself vulnerable.

Creating a program meant to educate but also pave a way/plant seeds.

All for one reason...for Him and his Kingdom.

I could go on and I could name names but seriously would take forever (I know I just tried) and I don't want to forget anyone. Because of all of you, I am coming back with so much of what I just listed. I pray for the fire to continue to rage in me and all of you.

I look forward to the contact I have with some of you and pray we may meet again (and pray for you all). I am forever thankful for what you all did during my time there and I can selfishly say, for what you did for/to me and how God impacted me there.

So, thank you.

Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave...just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His live as a ransom for many.

Matthew 20:26 - 28

Where has the time gone?

And this probably won't even be a long post....

But we left on Day 2 of my Romania missions trip and we pick up on day 13 of my trip to New Zealand to work with youth...teaching them how to make movies using their stories as the plots.

I could go on and on about how the week went (it was a week long camp), how great it went, the struggles we ran into, the struggles I ran into personally, the successes in those who we thought were hopeless, the smiles, the tears, the laughter and ultimately how God moved here.

But I'm not going too.

What I want to briefly talk about it something else. Many people think when you take these "type" of trips you are hit with this epiphany about God, life, etc. Without even second guessing, I know Romania changed my life, how I view the world, poverty, happiness, etc (and that's only one country in hurt) and my heart was left there with those children. After coming back, as people often ask when you go on these trip,I was asked what did God show you?

Other then the obvious things I learned, I can't say that I did have a clear defining "Ah Ha!" moment. But I knew that it isn't always revealed later on. None-the-less, it was discouraging.

So when I rolled into New Zealand, going as God calls us to go in His name, that question loomed in my mind. "What do you want to show me here... where I am out of my comfort zone, at the mercy of a foreign world, reliant on my faith in You?"

And as I continued with the week, even before I started the week long film camp God showed revealed something to me. A very simple principle, if you will, that we talk about all the time in the U.S. It was here in NZ, that was led by a Soman preacher. God told me this...

"See Tim, I AM everywhere."

Such a simple thought, but a huge revelation to me. With this in my mind, as I moved through the week, I saw God everywhere in New Zealand. In the people I came in contact with, in the youth's heart and laughter and the crashing waves into the coast line. I fully trust that more will be revealed, and I very much look forward to that...as I push closer toward who God wants me to be...wherever that is in the world, even if it is the ends of the earth (Acts 1:8).

Blessings everyone...you are loved!